Larry was clearly angry. Carl had used his tools (again) without asking, and even worse, hadn’t returned them (again). Larry told me he had given Carl some “tough feedback.”
He told Carl that he was self-centered and insensitive, and in the future he needed to ask for permission before borrowing anything.
He was surprised and indignant that Carl got angry with him.
Larry didn’t understand that telling Carl off is not “giving feedback.” It’s simply criticism. Setting boundaries around what Carl can borrow is a reasonable thing to do. But that’s not “feedback” either.
Feedback is providing information about your reaction to a product or to a person’s actions, to be used as a basis for improvement. Criticizing and setting boundaries are solely for Larry’s benefit, not Carl’s. Larry might have felt better by blowing off steam. But in the end, it did not lead to a satisfying conversation or resolution to the problem.
If Larry had really given feedback, it’s more likely he would have been heard and have gotten a thoughtful response.
Feedback Is Meant to Benefit the Receiver
The purpose of feedback is to provide information that can be used for improvement.
When someone is unaware of the effect they are having on others, feedback gives them an opportunity to self-correct so their behavior matches their intentions. It helps them be more effective in achieving what they desire.
Feedback to companies helps them improve their products and services and retain customers. Complaining to a customer service rep who is not empowered to do anything is a waste of your time and energy because your information does not get heard within the system and therefore cannot be used for improvement. You might blow off steam at the rep, but that is solely for your own benefit.
Tips for Giving Useful Feedback
1. Be descriptive, not evaluative. Judgmental words, like selfish and insensitive, make people defensive, and it is difficult for them to hear what you are saying. When you simply describe what happened, without evaluating, it creates space for them to come to their own conclusions. Even when someone does something well, it is much more helpful to be descriptive about what they did than to say they were good, great, or terrific. Tell them what they did that was terrific so they know what to repeat.
2. Be specific. Telling someone they are “dominating” is not as useful as saying, “You ignored my comments and interrupted me several times. I was frustrated because I felt like I either needed to confront you or be silent, and I didn’t want to do either.” Dominating can be confusing because it means different things to people. A clear, specific description of what occurred provides a basis for an open discussion.
3. Describe your own reactions. Don’t speak for others. You might share what you have heard or observed from others if you are willing to name the individuals. But it is a slippery slope when you speak for others. Be careful about attributing to a group of people. You might be wrong. What you know for sure are your own reactions, and you are most effective when you focus on that.
4. Consider the needs of the receiver. Is this something that will benefit them? Feedback can be destructive when it serves only your own needs. If you’re only giving feedback to make yourself feel better, think twice about it.
5. Direct feedback toward behavior the receiver can do something about. It’s not helpful to give feedback on a shortcoming they have no control over.
6. Useful feedback is solicited, not imposed. At the very least, ask if they are open to getting some feedback before you begin.
7. Timing is important. Generally, feedback is most useful at the earliest opportunity after something occurs, depending on the person’s readiness to hear it, support available from others, etc.
8. Find out if your communication was clear. Feedback is not always heard the way it was intended. One way to find out is to ask them to rephrase what they heard from you.
9. No expectations. Even when you follow all these guidelines, your feedback still might not be what the receiver wants or needs at the moment. There should be no expectation the other person will change. Your feedback is simply a gift. It’s up to them to determine whether or how they use it.
Great blog! I’ve learned these things over time from being ‘bit’ by a receiver . . . way too many times. Jesse, this is concise and hits the mark and I’m going to be sharing it with my staff. Thanks!
Great idea to share this with your team. Being able to give useful feedback is an important characteristic of a high performance team. It’s a skill that takes practice to get good at. You might want to ask your team if they’d like to work on improving their feedback skills. If they do, one way is to give each other feedback on their feedback for a few weeks. It can feel awkward when practicing something we’re not skillful with, so they could decided to have fun with it.
I was on the receiving end of a boss who beat people up under the guise of providing feedback. So hurtful and demoralizing. Thanks for calling this out.
Sorry you had that experience, Dave. Unfortunately it’s not uncommon. Sometimes people have the intention of helping others improve but simply have not learned the skills to do it effectively. They might be modeling someone who affected them while growing up, a parent or a teacher, or their idea of what a leader is supposed to look like. Unfortunately, since they are now in a power position, others will model them.
Love the picture that goes with this. Just read a fascinating research study in Adam Grant’s book, ORIGINALS. He says that to get behavior to change or to re-enforce what you want, you shift the emphasis from behavior to character. For example, instead of saying, “That’s creative”, say “You are creative.” Instead of posting a sign: “Don’t Drink and Drive”, the sign should say “Don’t Be a Drunk Driver.” Something to think about
Telling people who or what they are affects their identity. As parents we need to be especially careful about messing with this. I find the most effective thing to do is to describe my own reaction and let others decide what it means for them. It seems more respectful in the long run.
Great post Jesse!
This is one topic where there is always room for improvement for most of us. I know for myself, I do better in some settings and with certain people, and challenged in others depending on ‘who’ it is and they dynamics of the relationship. {aka..also depends on the trigger)
Most of your points are spot on, although not necessarily easy. Delivering feedback to someone who is open to it is the key principle. In my experience, both personally and professionally, most people aren’t open to feedback. For multiple reasons. Even so, this really limits the ability to grow the relationship, even on a professional level.
I have found that even with the BEST of intentions, meaning, when I wanted with all my heart to salvage a friendship, or a professional connection, or improve rapport with a fellow colleague, if they aren’t open to receive feedback, it’s not going to happen, no matter how bad you want it.
I slowly have learned (most of the time) to take it as information about the person. It all winds up falling back to me in ‘response-ability’. As in…Ok! This person doesn’t want to resolve x,y,z…or they aren’t interested in being open to discuss issues, or pretend nothing is wrong, or pretend that what happened or is happening isn’t happening at all by literally denying it…so I have to decide what I’m going to do.
The biggest challenge for me is when this happens with people who are in leadership positions, or claim to be leaders. (and teach others) When someone teaches how to do x,y,z, there tends to be an automatic assumption that I can go to the person and discuss on the same terms as they clearly teach. Yet many times, some leaders can teach it, but have no idea how to actually practice it in real life.
Unfortunately, it is very difficult to continue to look up to and respect leaders when that happens.
Much can be said on this topic Jesse! All’s we can do is keep practicing, and let people know that WE are open to feedback and do our best to model gracious acceptance in those who have the courage to engage in that sort of dialog.
I practice being open to it with my kids often. My youngest gives me feedback often! (grins) ‘Mom, I feel like you are being too overbearing about that situation. I need you to just trust me.’ (example)
: )
~Samantha Hall
You cover a lot of ground. I’d like to underscore a couple of your points – there’s no point in giving feedback if the person (or company) is not interested in it. Save your energy. Another point I appreciate is how important it is to model giving and receiving feedback. Understanding it in theory and practicing it are two different things. Much thanks for taking the time to share your thoughts and deepen the conversation, Samantha!
Great post Jesse, I’m always fascinated by folks who ‘blast’ someone, then follow it with “I’m just being honest”. As you point out, it is possible to provide feedback and correction without demeaning the person.
Warm regards,
Carl
Agree. “I’m just being honest” is not a justification for being disrespectful. It is possible to deliver “tough feedback” respectfully if you follow these guidelines.
I like this Jesse.I had actually not thought about it this way. I often opt for blowing off steam, so I can move on. My assumption is the person has heard my feedback before, so now what? Reading this, I wonder if indeed what I gave before was feedback. So definitely something to watch for going forward for me. What I do love, and it’s the true magic element of the formula, is No.9 (no expectations). This can truly work if you surrender to that key ingredient.
Open your mind up to anything, yet, be attached to nothing! Thanks for the post
Point #9 is indeed the keystone.
BTW, it’s possible to both blow off steam and also give real feedback if you stick with “I messages” instead of “you messages.” e.g. I’m really frustrated because this is the 4th time I’ve asked you not to do that” (This is one of the 4 ways of taking ownership for your communication) Much thanks for sharing your insights and self-reflection, Thabo.
I like that! I find the blowing off steam useful, so all that much better if I give feedback while I get to blow off steamy ?
Jesse you have summed up what can be an entire book in a very concise manner and hit it in perfectly way. Thank you
Thank you. So glad you found it helpful!