Why hasn’t my life turned out the way I planned? Twice in one week I heard this exact same question. Both times I was surprised because each accomplished, attractive woman would be considered enviable by most standards.
Michelle’s warm personality and infectious laugh attracts a lot of friends. She has a loving husband, two teenage sons who are honor students and varsity athletes, and on the side, she trains women to run marathons.
Sarah, an executive in a Fortune 1000 company, is one of the elite group of women who inhabit the C-Suite. Intelligent and with a quick-wit, she’s a natural leader.
So what was the problem?
Michelle was disappointed that she hadn’t created the successful career she had envisioned when she was in college.
Sarah wanted to have children, and she had not fallen in love with a man who measured up to the standards she had in mind for a father. She was now considering adopting a child as a single parent.
If Michelle and Sarah knew each other, they might have been envious of each other. They each had what the other wanted. In one sense, their situations were very different. But in another way, they had sometime quite fundamental in common.
They each had only a vague plan for their lives which they were now unsatisfied with. Having never created a real vision, they didn’t know what they really wanted. When I asked Michelle why she thought a career was important, it was because she had an idea of what a successful woman does. When I questioned Sarah further, I didn’t get the sense that she really wanted children; it was more of an idea she had about what would lead to fulfillment as a woman.
You’re more likely to get what you want if you know what it is.
To help them get clear about what they really wanted, I began with “The Three Whys.” This is how it works: When you think you want something, you ask yourself why you want it. And then ask “why” again. What do you really want? Getting to the core of what you really want reveals your true purpose and what you care most deeply about, your most precious values. Sometimes when we find the answers to these questions, we discover that the things we thought we wanted were things someone else convinced us we wanted—not what we truly desired. Sometimes we buy into other people’s dreams for us, such as our parents, teachers or friends, and lose touch with our own dreams.
In clarifying her vision, Michelle discovered that she actually had created the life she wanted. The voice that told her she should have a professional career was her parent’s, not hers. Her own vision was grounded in having loving relationships, having freedom and flexibility to be creative with her time, and being physically active and healthy. Her current life actually filled these desires..
Sarah discovered, when she clarified her vision, that something was missing from her life, but not what she had thought. What she really wanted was a committed, intimate relationship with a partner. She realized that having children would not give her the kind of love she really desired. She stopped shopping for someone who would be a good father and opened to the possibility of attracting a partner who could engage in the kind of meaningful, loving relationship she really wanted.
Create a vision for your life that reflects what really matters to you.
If you think your life hasn’t turned out the way you planned, it’s time for a reality check. What do you really want?
Most people don’t get clear about their vision overnight. It requires time for reflection, using both logic and a feeling perspective. Vision comes from your own desires, hopes, dreams and values. When you create a vision that resonates with your purpose and values, it generates energy, passion and commitment; and magical things start to happen.
Here are some guidelines to help you as you reflect on your vision:
The most difficult step in a creating a vision is discovering what you truly want. These guidelines can help you discover what matters most to you.
- Focus on what really matters to you. Ask, “What do I want to do?” — not “What should I do?”
- Use the “Three Whys.” Each time you think you have an answer, ask yourself “Why do I want that?” Dig down to what is fundamentally important to you.
- Be proactive, not reactive. Create a vision for what you truly desire, not what you want to move away from. Focus on where you want to go, not what you want to leave behind.
- Give yourself permission to explore, to dream. Be creative. Be playful. Use your “right brain” – logic can kick-in later.
- Spend some relaxed time dreaming and imagining: What will the results look like; what will be accomplished; how will I feel about myself; how will I feel about others. Focus on the end-result, not the process for getting there.
- Don’t limit yourself by what you may think is possible. A vision can overcome seemingly insurmountable obstacles.
Great post Jesse. Too often people are doing things that were expected of them and have not changed lanes to doing what they want. It is never too late, as seen in the number of people who change careers today after having invested a lot in building it. I only need to look at myself and you have one example already. “Focus on the end-result, not the process for getting there.”; I like that as too often people back off because the process of getting there overwhelms them.
Hi Thabo, Thanks for further illuminating some important points. I appreciate your point about how we can get caught up in fulfilling expectations, without being clear about what you really want. Sometimes knowing what you want can take you down interesting and unexpected paths, as doorways open up that you hadn’t anticipated – that’s been the case in my own life. I’ve had three different careers in my life that might look unrelated, but when I describe how each built on the values of the previous, it becomes clear (in retrospect) that my vision never changed. When we keep focused on the vision, without being attached to the process to get there, it’s easier to recognize which road to take when you come to a fork. When you plan out all the details, like Sarah, you can get confused and start looking for the wrong thing. As always, much appreciation for adding to the discussion!
Jesse, I can’t help but wonder if “expectations” can get in the way of a fulfilling life. We get too attached to them, and maybe we need to drop the expectations and just allow a little light (vision) in.
Hi Mary Jo, I would love to know more about what you mean by “expectations.” There is so much that can be said.
One way expectations cause problems is when we forget that the vision is about the bigger picture and we don’t know how the details are going to play out. Getting attached to expectations on the details can actually prevent us from seeing what really matters. Another way expectations can cause problems is for those of us who tend to turn our personal lives into a “project.” I’ve discovered that life is so much easier when I relax and trust that the light will reveal the path.
Thanks so much for enriching the conversation with your wonderful and provocative thoughts.
Caught your tweet and had to read the article. Good points about taking the time to identify what you really want in life. If I were to add to what you wrote I would include doing it early in the game as possible and sticking to it.
Knowing what is worth getting up for in the morning and staying true to it is important. I found it is important to surround myself with not only people who support my values and goals, but who really share them.
Doing what I just said is tricky. Why? People have their private definitions for words, so it is possible to believe you are talking the same views. Take for instance my wife said she did not value money – true. Money is not valued by her she does not need to have any in the bank to feel secure. I on the other hand said the same thing. However, what I meant was I did not need a lot of what money could buy, but I do feel insecure not having money to cover up keep of the house and about 6 months of salary.
Based on my experience I would also recommended people talk about what key words found in their values and goals mean. Doing so, would surround us with people who are truly support us and maximize the chance that we would all get out of life.
Hello Alex, I agree with your advice that doing this work early saves heartache later – it certainly would have for both Michelle and Sarah. It’s so true that it is important to surround ourselves with people who support and share our values. Your point about needing to dig deeper to understand what the words mean when people identify their values is an important one. The example of the difference in what you and your wife actually meant illustrates it well. If you haven’t read my last post, I think you’ll appreciate it as it addresses this very point. https://seapointcenter.com/team-values/ Thanks so much for taking the time to share your thoughts – your comments add to the discussion! Please visit again.
Great article, Jesse.
I love the practical approach: why, why, why.
As an executive for 30 years balancing full-time work with an online side business and a family, I know that we all question where we are in life at some point.
Funny how we coach our staff and project teams on achieving their vision and yet getting our own personal vision crystal clear is sometimes the more subtle challenge.
Look forward to reading more of your posts! my own thoughts on leadership and visioning (a bit more business-centered) at http://mentorsonline.wordpress.com Would welcome your thoughts and comments!
Hi Meryle, Glad you brought up the point that those of us who are in coaching and consulting roles need to do the same work we are asking our clients to do. I write at all three levels for that reason – company, team and personal. I took a look at your posts and saw a lot of synergy in our thinking and approach. Hope you visit again. I appreciate your insights and adding to the discussion.
Hi Jesse,
Very timely words in today’s world where many many people find themselves facing economic challenges. Your Why’s are certainly questions that matter. I really believe that most individuals and yes, businesses, do not take the time or do the hard work necessary to really define their vision. Best Bill
Thanks for your comments, Bill. I’m curious about why more people don’t do this work, especially since most people agree it is important.
Amazing article Jesse! Creating a vision for your life is one of the first steps in Apex Lifestyle Design. So often, people just focus on one aspect of their life (ie career) and never take time to create a whole life plan that addresses elements of mind, body and soul. To create a far-reaching vision, we have to truly know ourselves though, so really the first step is asking the soul-searching questions – glad to see you included that.
Love that you incorporated dreaming into vision creation! Basically planning your life is making a plan to live the life you dream of! One thing I would add is that it is so important to write it down! If we just dream about it and never write it down, including goals, it is very likely not to come to fruition!
Thanks for the inspiration…I have tweeted to my own followers! Gary
Hi Gary, I appreciate and agree with your thoughts on vision creation and the importance of starting with knowing yourself and what you really want. Thanks so much for your kind words and for sharing my post.
Jesse
Thanks for the inspiring article.
All I can do is add the miracle question: “What would you do if you knew you could not fail?”
Wonderful question! Thanks for adding to the conversation!
I want to thank you Jesse for this wonderful inspiring post it have helped me slot. But I have a question
What if you lack the money and resources to realise your vision
It might be that your vision is too specific – like becoming president of the United States. Dig below your vision to find why you want it and you might discover a deeper, more meaningful vision. Check out my post Dig Below Your Dreams to Discover Your Vision. When you are clear about your vision, then you must be prepared to live with the tension that is generated between recognizing the truth of your current reality without letting go of your dreams. That tension is called creative tension that will allow you to recognize opportunities to move toward your vision when they occur. Good luck!
Nice write up ,ma,am 18 and I don’t really know what I want in life i.e I do not have a vision I need guidance
My wish for you is that you could find someone older who you trust who would provide guidance and support as you sort this out. My best wishes for your success.