If you are tired of “us vs. them” attitudes… if you are feeling frustrated or hopeless about those who don’t agree with your views… if you are concerned about the polarization in this world today… if you are waiting for leadership that unites instead of divides…
… the best place to start is by taking responsibility for yourself.
Polarization is Self-Reinforcing
If you only talk with people who agree with you and only read and listen to news sources that hold your own viewpoint, you will get distorted, filtered information that simply reinforces your viewpoint.
Unless we let go of foregone conclusions, only looking for proof of what we already believe, we are doomed to be stuck at deeply opposing, unresolvable poles.
Set your viewpoint and judgments aside for awhile (you can pick them back up later), but first educate yourself about what is really going on around you.
1. Take in information. Get as many facts as possible. What occurred or is occurring now?
You can’t depend on the “news” to spoon-feed you. The idea of unbiased journalism died a long time ago. Technology has created access to many direct sources of news. However, not all of it is accurate. And you must actively sift through the so-called information, look for patterns and identify those who are pushing an agenda rather than reporting facts.
2. Listen for understanding. What are the viewpoints of those you might not agree with?
It might be hard to listen to other viewpoints, especially when they are laced with anger and hatred. But there are nuggets of truth. And it is our responsibility to sift them out.
3. Now pick your judgment back up. Put what you’ve learned through your own filter of beliefs, values and feelings to make sense of it.
But remember to be honest with yourself that the “truth” you see is a filtered one.
4. Choose your actions wisely.
You don’t have control over what you feel, but you do have a choice about what feelings you act on and how you act on them. Reactivity might make you feel better in the moment, but it often leads to regret down the road.
A New Parade
If enough of us do this, there is a possibility we can create space that invites collaborative leadership to arise – leadership that will move us toward a brighter future.
John Naisbitt once said, “Leadership involves finding a parade and getting in front of it.”
Maybe we can start to form that parade.
Photo courtesy of Charlotte Ashlock
Excellent post Jesse! Especially in light of recent events surrounding Ferguson etc.
It IS challenging when laced with anger and/or hatred, and having some understanding of why it might be present can go a long way in helping to diffuse what may be too painful for someone to handle on their own.
It’s also important to keep in mind that there really are at least two sides to every story. Each side represents their version and perception of the ‘facts’.
In addition to our own perceptions and filters, we also tend to do something else when relating with people, depending on who they are. It will vary depending on power, position, authority, fame, all the way across the spectrum to how we perceive a colored, poor, or homeless person.
Imagine a great big circle. That circle represents a person. Let’s say the President of the United States. Inside of the circle are several smaller colored circles that represent what we can ‘see’ of that person based on information we have been given, what they say, their role, what they do, etc. Now inside of that circle is a ton of spaces around each one of the smaller circles. That massive space represents all that we don’t know about the president. What we as humans do is fill UP that space with OUR own perceptions. WE basically create a story to fill in the blanks of that person, either in a positive light making them GREATER then they are in real life, or in a negative light..making them far WORSE then they actually are.
This is another element we need to consider and be careful of when considering and separating fact from fiction.
Sometimes it’s best to refrain from any value judgments at all in the beginning and let behaviors speak for themselves over time.
Wonderful steps and insights Jesse. Valuable during this challenging time for many.
Thanks for sharing your own insights, Samantha. I especially appreciate your point about how we fill in the spaces of what we don’t know about someone with our expectations. This is the stuff stereotyping is born from and keeps us from seeing people as they really are. Things are only going to get worse unless we commit to really seeing each other as human beings.
Working in an arena where there are deeply held and often polarized points of view, I truly appreciate your post on collaborative leadership, Jesse, as well as Samantha’s comments above. Listening for understanding is really key to building bridges and identifying solutions that can serve all, not just one’s own position. Thanks, as always, for your wisdom and for modeling collaboration in your own leadership, too.
I am reminded of JFK’s quote of Dante: “The hottest place in Hell is reserved for those who remain neutral in times of great moral conflict.” This is the time for those who have the skills to facilitate deep listening and healing to step forward. Thank you for having the courage to do so.
Thank you, Jesse. We can also look to the Quaker model of deep listening and ‘holding space’ for another as a source wisdom in exploring effective conflict resolution. Over the past year, I’ve seen these principles applied in different communities throughout the U.S. and the results have been truly inspiring.
Excellent analysis!
Thank you, Jack. That means a lot.
Jesse,
Thank you for your leadership in writing and sharing this important piece.
Sage counsel for all of us-
Collaborative leadership requires discipline and humility.
Discipline to maintain space for the “other” in our hearts and minds as we think about and process our own thoughts, feelings and perspectives.
Humility to maintain openness to the other’s thoughts, feelings and perspective- so as to avoid the hateful indignation and/or arrogance that can quickly harden into vilification of other.
Listening to connect rather than reject (a term a learned from Judith E. Glaser- Creating WE and Conversational Intelligence)- is most challenging and most essential when mistrust is high.
We need the kind of humanizing, collaborative leadership that you describe in all facets of our lives- Political leadership, thought leadership, classroom leadership…etc
Thanks for pointing the way!
Lori
Indeed, many of us are hungry for the humanizing, collaborative leadership in all facets of our lives. We must step forward with open hearts and act in concert with our deepest desire for connection, and this requires, as you described so well, discipline and humility. Thank you for sharing your thoughts and deepening the conversation, Lori.
Nice to read the above comments and the Dante quote reminded me that there is no place for neutrality anymore – just watching and bystanding without contributing at least a positive voice will only allow us to descend into further chaos. The balance unfortunately has tipped in favour of conflict, anger and war globally and we must work hard to provide a new way of collaborating and working together if we are to be in position to find solutions to our most pressing problems.
Glad you read the comments, as they deepen and enrich. And thanks for your contribution to this powerful conversation.
A wise, courageous post, Jesse. When one leaves behind the shrill voices of TV newscasters who look for the content that glues eyeballs to a screen, it is incredibly troubling to read of the departures in due process of law. Equally troubling is the response provoked by feelings of rage and helplessness that has people looting and destroying property, thus creating another negative image. Violence only breeds more violence.
Where do we find people on both sides who are willing to do exactly what you said– deeply listen, explore, seek, question, and create collaborative resolution? It is not found in politicians who become incensed when a bilateral report (like Benghazi) doesn’t support their preconceived notions. Who steps into this arena?
And as I write this, I also know that I have a responsibility to do exactly what you say. Those of us who are troubled must practice in our own sphere of influence. Perhaps enough of these circle can touch to make a difference.
Your last paragraph is your answer. We must practice within our own sphere of influence. It has been my experience that right action begins with acknowledge truth. In this case, the uselessness of unbridled rage, that irresponsible journalism inflames, and most importantly the underlying institutional racism.
Spot on. Thanks, Jesse. I have shared on Linked In and Twitter
From what I heard on NPR, many police departments will be reviewed for systemic issues that have caused the eruption in Ferguson and which foster the integration of prejudicial thinking disguised as objective and accurate thinking. Although discouraged, I still have hope. Thankful for your blog, Jesse, and Happy Thanksgiving!
There are many steps to take, but at least that’s a step in the right direction. Hope is important because it gives us the strength to take steps when we are discouraged. Thanks, Fay.
Jesse,
Thank you for an excellent post. As an African American Woman, I have found that it is easy to self-polarize the circumstances that I have seen in Ferguson. It is also easy to close ones eyes to “see and see again” the total picture that is being presented, even if it is in segments. For me, it is important to always do a self-introspection of my values and beliefs, an more important, by emotional mindset. For, I believe that ones mental mindset has bee n shaped by their cultural heritage/ethnicity, surrounding environment where they were raised, and the situations that have faced in their individual lives.
With that said, collaborative leadership in this arena requires humility, but also the ability to recognize your bias and preconceived assumptions about people who might be different than you are. I believe it also requires the ability to extend love, acceptance and forgiveness, and flexibility. Many things about the power of embracing diversity is easy. If it was, then Ferguson and the incidents that are happening to people of color would not exist. Listening to hear is also key.
Finally, I like the example that Samantha gave above about the circle. As I read her post, I put myself in place of her president example. the small circles might be the stereotypes that have been told about African American women, for example their temperament, attitude, and so on. Then there is the massive space that know one knows about me. Here is my point: Until we, as a nation and/or people are willing to “get to know,” or step out of our individual comfort zones to meet in the fork of road with others who are different than us, then more tensions will happen among us. Collaborative Leadership causes those leaders to address their individual bias, conduct personal self-examinations within themselves, and be transparent with the leaders who do the same. Collaborative Leadership provides a foundation where the “I” does not exist. Rather, it is all about the “WE!” It is a commitment to a common goal: Together we can achieve the impossible and bring about lasting change!
Thank you again for your post.
Sincerely,
Vicki Jones
Much thanks to you, Vicki, for sharing your experience and insights. You said it well, “Until we, as a nation and/or people are willing to ‘get to know,’ or step out of our individual comfort zones to meet in the fork of road with others who are different than us, then more tensions will happen among us.” That fork in the road is the place where we can really meet – where we recognize each other as human beings, see our commonalities, love our frailties, have compassion for our mistakes, and celebrate our differences. I am inspired by your acknowledgment of the challenges, your willingness to personally engage, and your belief that this dream is possible.
This is one of your hardest posts, Jesse. It is so easy just to relax in my little progressive corner of Massachusetts and experience the rest of the world as crazy. All of us need to listen to the voices of the people who are hurting – the voices of Ferguson, the voices of Syria, the voices of the Tea Party. What are they trying to say to us? What needs to change in our comfortable part of the world for all of us to begin to heal?
It is difficult because the challenge is to each of us, not to some leaders “out there.” Thank you, Betsy, for your pointed description of the deep listening and questioning we each need to do.
Appreciated your blog very much Jesse. We have similar issues in Australia, and it is difficult to find evidence of collaborative leadership in the public sphere. In our rush for solutions, we sometimes don’t take the time to understand what is going on. Listening is superficial, especially when the players all believe they know the answer. Allowing time for genuine dialogue takes time and willingness. When it happens though it can be very powerful, with positive spin offs.
You are so right – polarized debates are easy and self-reinforcing and yes, it’s a challenge for all of us to truly connect with those who have a very different world view.
Thanks for weighing in from Australia, Max, and pointing out that this is a global issue, not a local one.
As you point out, taking the time to understand what is going on is essential. We can wait for leaders to show us the way, or we can each begin now by taking the time to have real conversations with others whose views are different from our own.