My friend Jake said, “When someone tells me about a problem, I used to try to help them solve it. But I’ve learned that simply listening can be more helpful than the best advice I might give.”
Jake is not alone. Many of us equate listening with problem-solving, and we don’t even realize it. We believe that when someone shares a problem, the best response is to help them find a solution.
Do you know how to REALLY listen? … to listen without feeling responsible to help the person find a solution?
The REAL listening skills.
Some years ago during a YPO Forum moderators training program, one of the participants had this explanation of the power of real listening faxed from his office. I’ve kept it all these years because it reminds me that listening is not just a skill to be taught. We need to remember why we are listening.
LISTEN
When I ask you to listen to me and you start giving advice, you have not done what I asked.
When I ask you to listen to me and you begin to tell me why I shouldn’t feel that way, you are trampling on my feelings.
When I ask you to listen to me and you feel you have to do something to solve my problems, you have failed me, strange as that may seem.
Listen! All I ask is that you listen. Not talk or do – just hear me.
When you do something for me that I can do for myself, you contribute to my fear and inadequacy. I‘m not helpless, maybe discouraged and faltering, but not helpless.
When you accept as a simple fact that I feel what I feel, no matter how irrational, then I can quit trying to convince you and can get about the business of understanding what’s behind this irrational feeling.
Irrational feelings make sense when we understand what’s behind them. And when that’s clear, the answers are obvious and I don’t need advice.
So please, listen and just hear me. And, if you want to talk, wait a minute for your turn; and I’ll listen to you.
The best response.
The best way to listen is with your mouth shut. If you’re talking, you’re not listening.
While you’re listening, pay attention to how what you hear affects you – not what you think about it, but how you are personally affected.
When it’s time to respond, consider your intention before you speak. Whose needs are you meeting? Are you trying to look smart? …to be appreciated? Or is your intention genuinely to support the other person and to share your sense of connection?
Connection and compassion are the greatest responses, the greatest gift you can give. And often, that requires no words at all.
This is really GREAT advice Jesse. Thanks so much for sharing.
Thank YOU, Frank. Great to see you here!
Great post Jesse, esp. the Fax on power of real listening.
I loved how a leadership expert I was interacting with put it, “The more you tell, the less you sell.”
Here are a few gentle reminders on listening.
Thanks!
Tanmay Vora
That’s great, Tanmay. Much thanks for sharing your wisdom here!
Jesse, good and succinct advice. I’ve seen that wonderful listening homily posted on office walls and often wondered if it’s ever read, let alone heeded.
Really listening is easy to do, Marian, but it doesn’t come easily to those of us who have a problem-solving orientation to life. This kind of listening involves simply “being with” – one of the definitions of “compassion.”
Jesse, good topic. My wife has taught me to be a better listener. Often times, we husbands want to fix things and I learned from her that she just wanted me to listen.
Hi Dan, That’s a great example of a way to demonstrate you’re listening – with action. When you get a request to change your behavior, if it’s reasonable, make the change. You listened to your wife about how she wanted you to listen to her, and I imagine your marriage became stronger as a result.
Listening is such a key skill and we so often try to give advice instead. In our group, we call group advice giving “blackbirding.” We’re like a group of cawing birds making so much noise that the person who just wanted a place to tell her story is silenced.
Even those of us who understand all this can easily fall in the trap of acting like blackbirds when someone we care about is struggling. It takes conscious intentionality to listen and hold the space.
thanks jess for this post, hence “Advice is when asked”
I think that’s the issue – unsolicited advice is rarely appreciated, no matter how good it is.
I’ve always said that listening is the greatest sign that you care about the person. When you listen to me, I think you care. When you don’t, I think you don’t care, even when you think you are trying to help me. Its one of the best yet difficult skills for leaders to master!
Listening is the greatest sign that you care about the person. << I'm going to quote you on that. We need to do more than simply teach listening skills. Listening involves a serious effort to understand what is being said and openness to differences. << You can quote me on this. 🙂
Beautiful, Jesse. Reading this, I realize how I’ve been guilty of not listening lately, and that makes my heart hurt. Thanks for this very important reminder. It’s so helpful.
That’s lovely, Kathy. I think the most important lessons are those that remind us to return to what we already know.
This is the essence of great relationships both business and personal. It is a simple skill yet so difficult to master. Thanks for another “home run” Jesse!
It’s interesting how the most important skills for business also apply to our personal lives. I wonder if we ever truly master the skill of listening, or whether it’s an art that we need to keep practicing.
Excellent post Jesse! We tend (especially men) to want to always fix things when what is really needed is compassion and companionship. I think of the lonely cancer patient and the struggle of not knowing what to say to them. Gosh, we struggle so much just being still and quiet! Thanks for this post and reminder!
The desire to fix things does seem to be gender related, but not entirely. Many years ago my brother commented to me, “You listen like a guy.” When I asked him what he meant, he said, “When I share a problem with a woman, they usually say things like ‘Oh, that’s too bad.’ You focus on solving the problem.” I had to stop and think about that awhile, and realized it was an orientation I had learned from our father. He was an engineer who could fix almost anything. But he was also a very good listener because he waited until he understood the problem before taking action. I had been skipping that important step. I try not to skip it now, but as you point out, it does require being still and silent.
Jesse, I appreciate this topic. I once heard that the word “listen” and “silent” have the exact same letters. Coincidence?
Beautiful. Thanks for sharing that, Mick.
Thanks so very much for this post. On reading it, I was reminded of a deafblind lady I used to know. Whilst it took much longer to communicate with her, whenever she responded, she did so with thought, care, compassion and love. It showed me that to listen, you don’t need to hear. Thanks for bringing back such a precious memory.
What a great lesson, Liz. Thanks so much for sharing your lovely memory with us.
The Irish have a saying: “The Good Lord gave us two ears and a mouth which implies we’re suppose to listen twice as much as we speak.” I always love that saying. My very first speech was to speakers– and I talked about why we needed to shut up and listen.I remember that I added to a quote from The Little Prince where he says, “It is with the heart that one speaks wisely.” I altered it to: “It is also with the heart that one HEARS wisely.
Gotta love the Irish, Ms. McDargh! Love your variation on The Little Prince. As always, appreciate your sharing your wisdom here.
The skill we teach in Authentic Conversations actually helps in a concrete way with the intention of listening. We call it “taking the other person’s side.” That means to listen with the intention of being able to make the other’s case for whatever they believe, think or feel. It means concentrating on the words and music in order to “play it back” – showing them you have “heard” them and supporting in them a feeling of being understood. It also means restating what you have heard in a way that shows your support for their point of view and it’s legitimacy for them. It is also critical to separate that from any point of view I might have so as not to compromise the listening moment. Critical intention and skill.
Great skill, Jamie. Thanks so much for the explanation of how it works. You have added depth and spirit to what could be a mechanical technique of paraphrasing. Love your book, “Authentic Conversations.” Thanks so much for sharing your wisdom here.
My favorite topic, Jesse! I think that listening goes beyond hearing. And listening is first about not talking. But it’s also about quieting the chatter, judgment, and assumptions that are going on in your thoughts because those can be distracting and negatively harm the relationship. How to do that? I think I have a blog post brewing. Thanks for the listening reminder.
It’s hard to listen if you’re not present. Thanks for your excellent points about the distractions that keep us from being able to listen, Mary Jo. I look forward to reading your post!
Mary Jo, I write a blog about listening–you might find it of interest. I not only write from my experiences and knowledge, but cite research that’s happening in the field, of which there’s so much excellent work being done, especially in the neurosciences. Jesse has picked a rich topic.
Listening is so important and still it’s hard becasue we seem hard-wired to either be helpful with premature suggestions, or quickly jump to the wrong conclusions. I use one or all of the following tools – write down what they are saying (you may have to ask permission), repeat back the key points of what they have said, and ask, ‘tell me more’.
It does seem to be a natural tendency, even with the best of intentions. Thanks for sharing your helpful tools, Alan. I find it especially helpful to write verbatim what I am hearing because it helps me stay focused in the moment and also help keep me from interrupting.
Listening is a key skill as a parent, partner, and leader.
It is not always hardwired as Alan points out. We tend to want to give suggestions.
I had an example the other day when a colleague called and wanted to go out for coffee.
She was angry at her husband as he was not following the doctor’s advice and did not notice the impact on her.
At first I had many suggestions running through my head and then that little voice said just listen. So I did. It was the correct call. After she had gotten it all out she was calmer. I just looked at her and nodded now and then. At the end I summarized in a sentence what I heard. She was Grateful. We all need to be listened to and listen.
Children learn to listen by being listened to.
Great story that illustrates the power of resisting the impulse to give advice and to stay focused on listening. Thanks of much for sharing it, Emily.
“Children learn to listen by being listened to.” <- Powerful and true!
Hi Jesse, great post
My personal mantra is ‘listen to understand, not to reply’ – a lesson I continue to learn.
Best regards and appreciative of your work
Carl
@SparktheAction
That says it all, Carl. Now the trick is to remember it. I would write it on a notecard and tape to the refrigerator or computer to be continually reminded.
Hi Jesse, Your Listening post helped me understand ” Listening with your mouth shut” thought best. Thankfully, all of us keep our mouth shut when reading. Thanks.The next time one talks to me, I will learn to read the person’s talk.
Delighted to hear that!
I loved this article, Jesse. I definitely have a tendency to jump into advice giving / problem solving mode – and while there is a time and a place for advice, this is a great reminder that oftentimes just LISTENING is what people really need.
I actually read another really interesting article on the same topic last Friday that I thought you might enjoy: 10 Ways to Listen Better and Be “Fully Present”
Thanks for your comments and for sharing Willie’s article, Zack.
If someone asks you to listen to them and you tell them that they should not feel that way that’s antipathy. The best way to listen is with empathy – that is to recognize,understand and accept the emotions of others. Thank you for this great post.
A nice explanation of empathy, the key to listening and also to emotional intelligence.
I have a quick definition:
Listening is the art and practice of putting someone else’s speaking, thinking, and feeling needs first.
Let them speak before you speak.
Ask them to talk about their options and opinions before you advise (if at all).
Ask them how they feel and what they’re doing to cope. Don’t dismiss or judge or invalidate.
You can’t guarantee that people will feel heard, but they can usually tell if you sincerely put their needs first.
Excellent definition, Mark. True listening is about the effort to really understand. Too many people focus on the techniques of listening in order to appear to understand. There’s a big difference, as your definition points out.
Thank you, Jesse. You made me think. True listening allows a masked person to trust enough to let their mask drop, in the knowledge that judgement is not in the equation. If my eyes reveal a listening heart, support exists. May it be so, daily as no-one knows what a day or a new year will bring.
It’s true Catherine. All the best techniques in the world will be ineffective unless your heart is open. Thank you for dropping your own mask and sharing your own heart’s desire. May it be so.
Jesse – somehow I missed this post from earlier in the year and its a great one. As leaders we so often forget to listen properly and many, especially those who are type A personalities, are only too eager to give opinions and ‘help’!
You powerfully remind us of the consequences of not listening, thank you.
Great point, Martin. There’s a certain expectation of leaders, or perhaps common personality trait, that requires quick, decisive action. But that strength can also undermine our intention of helping others.