If you do what you love for a living, you’ll never work a day in your life. ~anonymous
An appealing thought, if it means living an integrated life.
However…there’s a big difference between living an integrated life and being consumed by work.
No one has yet said they want their epitaph to be, “I spent most of my time working.” But in fact, many of us are unaware that this is exactly the track we are on.
You might be a “work addict” and not know it.
I was facilitating a retreat for a YPO Forum, a support group of fifteen men in their late 30’s and 40’s, all high level executives and high achieving entrepreneurs. One of the men brought up the topic that his wife was complaining that he was always at work, even when he was home. He wanted help in getting his wife to understand that she being unreasonable because the reason he was always working was to provide for his family.
Fortunately a couple of the men in the group understood the real issue and challenged him. They pointed out that his family needed more from him than to take care of them – that when he was with them, he needed to BE with them. They told him frankly that his marriage was in trouble, and it wasn’t up to his wife to change.
That was 20 years ago.
Technology has made this an even bigger challenge today.
With the advances in technology, you can always be connected to work, anytime, anywhere – and because you can be available, you are expected to be. Many people are uncomfortable turning off their mobile device even at a social gathering. And how many of us take a vacation without checking email?
This issue is not just confined to over-achievers. For those who are struggling in this economy, working a lot of hours to make ends meet, or to find a job, or to build a new business, the pressure to focus on work can be intense and preoccupy much waking time.
Nor is it an issue just for men. In fact, it can be an even bigger issue for women who juggle multiple jobs both in and out of the house.
What are the consequences?
Being “always on” keeps your work in the front of your mind and prevents you from being fully engaged in the present moment. There’s a lot you’re missing out on because your attention is focused elsewhere. You might discover you have lost connection with those you care about most or never develop real connections in the first place.
“Always “on” is not healthy for organizations either. Among other things, it stifles creativity and problem-solving. In a recent HBR article, Tony Schwartz described the four stages of creative problems solving. Taking a break is essential for two of the four stages.
What you can do?
It’s not enough to just take vacations. You must change your habits. Here are some suggestions:
- Change your mindset.  Identify what you consider “work” and consider everything else “off.” “Off” can be when you’re with your family, at dinner with friends, or even taking a walk by yourself.
During “off” time, don’t even think about work. Put your full attention on who you’re with and what you’re doing.
- Set up a backup strategy.  Sometimes, things will just pop up even when you’re not thinking about work. So what do you do with the important ideas that pop up while you’re “off”? Do NOT pull out your mobile device and make a quick call or send a quick text. It’s guaranteed to pull you away from who you are with. Try to trust that if it’s important enough, the thought will reoccur.
As a backup, keep a piece of paper or card in your wallet. If you get a brilliant idea that you can’t afford to forget, jot down a few key words… and then put it away.
- Schedule “off” time.  Set and honor specific times that are dedicated to being with family or friends and, also being alone doing things you enjoy. Structure come more easily for some than others. If you’re one of the people who doesn’t like structure, it’s even more important for you to do this, so you can be intentional about creating the life you really want.
- Just say, “no.”  Let people know that you are changing your habits and are not going to respond to text and email or answer your phone for work related matters during personal time unless there is a true emergency. If they understand this ahead of time, most people will respect your boundaries. They will begin to schedule meetings during times you’re available, and you will discover that many so-called emergencies are not as urgent as they seem at first.
- Pay attention to your breathing.  Focusing on your breathing brings your attention away from your thoughts and back to what is immediately present. During “off time,” occasionally notice how you’re breathing. If your breath is rapid and located high in your chest, take a deep breath and exhale slowly. Spend a moment focused on your breathing until you are breathing slowly and from a deeper place, which is how we breathe when we are relaxed.
- Hang your work on a tree. Here’s a way to mentally separate from work: on your way home from work, as you near your home, locate a tree or something you could hang a bag on. Imagine putting your work in a bag and hanging it in the tree. This idea came from one of the men in the YPO Forum retreat who said he did that every night.
- Stop multi-tasking.  Many people view it as an admirable skill. They think they get more accomplished. But studies have shown that you actually accomplish less and do it less well. The illusion of productivity comes at the expense of performance effectiveness. The less you multi-task, the less you’ll be tempted to slip a little work in.
- Be clear about your priorities. Create a clear vision for what you truly desire and what’s most important to you that explains where you’re going and what you value most. It’s tempting to say “yes” to every request, but it comes at a cost. It will help you know when to say “yes” and when to say “no” if you know what your priorities are.
The bottom line is: not only is life more enjoyable and rewarding when we are in balance, but we are also healthier. Give it a try – hang up your work in a tree on your way home tonight. Guaranteed it will be there waiting for you in the morning.
Which of these suggestions make sense for you? Are there other ways you’ve found to turn off work?
Hi Jesse,
A wise person once told me “When you are 90 years old and on your death bed surrounded by your famly you are not going to be saying ‘I wish I worked more””.
I have struggled with this issue over the years. Being present is one of my challenges. It is hard for me to turn my brain off. I journal a lot and use my journal as a place to capture notes. I am also getting better at knowing that ideas will come back to me, if they are meant to.
I also choose breaks and adventures that take me away. I was recently trekking in Nepal with my wife and a group of friends. For 10 days I had no cell phone and no Internet. Amazingly, the world did not miss me and I as able to be 100% in the moment for the entire trek.
Thanks for raising the issue and your excellent suggestions.
Cheers,
David
Hi David, One of the most powerful things about breaks like the ones you’ve taken is it forces you into being 100% present and gives you a taste of what life could be like. The challenge is to find a way to maintain those feelings in the midst of our daily lives. You’re not alone in this. It truly is a challenge for many of us. Thanks so much for sharing your thoughts and own experience.
Great article and suggestions Jesse. What passionate leaders don’t often consider is that they will be better for the balance. In other words, a life in which all they do is work is not conducive to good leadership. We need a variety of experiences, including (or most especially) those that are unrelated to work – in a variety of arenas (physical, spiritual, mental, emotional, etc.) to be the best leaders that we can be.
Exactly! and well said, Mary Jo. You beautifully describe why this is so important for leaders. I think it’s also important not only for passionate leaders, but also for those who feel a great sense of responsibility to manage closely. We’re usually not as indispensable as we think we are. Stepping back and not being “always on”, helps develop leadership skills in others as it creates space for them to step in.
I am always at work – I am always at play – to be at work is for me to be engaging in the business of the joy of discovering at each and every moment why I am here, now, in this place, and to respond to the energy of the magnetic field which pulls me in the direction of what is harmonious for me to be doing – I do not make the distinction – work – play – it is all one – There is no problem –
Thank you.
Wayne
Hi Wayne, Thanks for checking in and sharing your own experience.
Excellent advice. As a worker in a 24/7 emergency service it has been easy for me to let work seep into my off time. This info was an eye-opener for me and I plan to share it with my team members. Thanks!
Hi Russ, I think this issue can be particularly challenging for people who work in the field of service, such as fire fighters, etc. as real lives are at stake. On the other hand, how much better and sharper we all are when we’re well-rounded, focused and balanced. I’m glad you’ll be sharing it with your team. It could be an interesting discussion.
“Tuning Out” is quite a process and something I am making more time for. While I still have some improvements to make, I can certainly say I am seeing an improvement for the better. I remember recently tweeting something to the effect of “If I saw it as work, I would not have a life”. I have fun doing what I do, but my exhaustion levels are quick to remind me if I am “Always on” which gets me to reset the clock as it is easy to get lost in the thick of things. Thanks for the reminder, and I am about to get off from the PC and get dinner ready for the kids, so apt!
HI Thabo, Your comment reminds me that recalibrating needs to be an ongoing process. It’s rare than anyone has created a life that is in balance all the time. Those who have young children are lucky because if we let them, our children will remind us how to do this, as they already know. Hope you enjoyed your dinner 🙂
Hi Jesse,
These are some good points for an issue which sadly doesn’t look like it will become addressed anytime soon. I remember reading a speech Peter Drucker gave about how we’re letting our focus become so fragmented by trying to do so many things at the same time that we’ll inevitably reach a point where we’ll essentially just be chasing our proverbial tails instead of making significant movement forward. The amazing thing wss that his message wasn’t addressed to the future but to those in attendance . . . 40 years ago when he gave that speech!
Sadly, the assumptions of the 1970s that technology would somehow free us from that never-ending pursuit associated with work hasn’t turned out to be true. But in some ways, I guess this shouldn’t be surprising since the key to solving this issue can’t be found outside of ourselves, but in the intentional actions and habits we create as we live our lives.
This is why I’d suggest one more point people employ to find that balance – that they ask themselves what would happen if they didn’t send out that text message or check their inbox until the next day. Would the problem be any worse than if they dealt with it right away? Or would that time allow their minds to rest and encourage more an approach of reflecting on what would be the best course of action instead of simply reacting to whatever comes on their plate?
Certainly, it’s not easy, but if like you wrote you don’t want your epitath to say ‘I worked my life away’, it’s important that we remind ourselves about what should really matter and what we shouldn’t have to sacrifice in order to be effective in addressing our responsibilities.
Hi Tanveer,
That was the promise, wasn’t it? – that technology would make our lives easier. I remember reading a lot of articles about what would happen when there was so much leisure time.
I love your suggestion: Let’s make it #9
Ask yourself what would happen if you don’t respond immediately.
We get on automatic pilot sometimes and just react/ respond without considering whether it could wait.
Thanks so much for your great suggestion and for adding to the conversation.
Great article Jesse! I do believe that if you do what you are passionate about in life, it will never seem like work. The problem lies in that it is…work. So great advice on how to live in the moment in “off” time. Immerse yourself in the fun of watching your vision become a reality, but live in the moment while you plan for the future. Both at work and at home!
I love the idea of mentally checking your work at the door (or in a tree as you mention), but as you say that has become more and more difficult with the ever-changing technology. There’s nothing more intrusive to everyone’s “off” time than someone at the dinner table, a party, etc checking their text/emails. It’s a contagious phenomenon! When one person checks their phone, someone else feels the need, and then the next person…it has a domino effect! Tanveer has a great solution in asking yourself what will happen if you don’t respond immediately…or for that matter don’t check your text/email at all for a whole dinner!!
Excellent thoughts on completely immersing and enjoying your off-time! Thanks!
HI Gary, I’ve observed the contagion effect also. Your comment gave me an idea for another thing one could do: ask your friends to turn off their technology when at dinner with you. It might not work for parties, but it could be part of a discussion and agreement made with close friends.
Wonderful article, Jesse. Thanks for sharing. As one who works from a home office, I live the challenges you speak of, each and every day. And in my career coaching with executive women, I’ve observed another unfortunate outcome of being hyper-connected to one’s work identity — which is that other, critically important dimensions of your identity go underground as your fuel only your professional focus. I’ve discovered that by committing myself to making time each week for key non-work activities/endeavors that I love (including singing, friends, socializing, health, reading, spiritual development) as well as my family, I’m a more fulfilled individual with a greater sense of control and perspective on all of it. Thanks again for a great reminder.
Hi Kathy, I really like the idea of looking at this issue as being hyper-connected to your work identity at the expense of other identities. It offers another way to address the issue: list all the identities that are important to you and then set goals for how you are going to enrich each of them. I also aside specific time for key activities. My pile of books was growing because I couldn’t find time to read them. It made a huge difference once I decided to read for a half hour each evening before bedtime. Much thanks for adding another dimension the conversation.
Jesse~ I came across a powerful quote recently by Anne Lamott which said simply, “No” is a complete sentence”.
That says so much in so few words and, to me, is key to achieving the kind of balance that helps us create the life we really want.
I think that while saying “no” comes easily to us when we are children, over time we are taught that it is impolite, or selfish to refuse someone. As a result, “no” often comes with baggage.
To your point, we have to get a lot better at saying “no” and being okay with it when we do.
Thanks for another thought-filled post.
Hi Gwyn, Thanks for your thought-provoking comments. It’s a challenge for many of us to learn how to say “no” without feeling like you having to justify it, explain it or convince others to support it. I think another way our “no” gets taken away from us as children is that our right to say “no” is often not respected by the adults. We begin to believe we are powerless. Later, as adults those unconscious beliefs continue to guide us until we challenge them and realize we have right to say “no.”
Thank you for the gift of that quote. I love it. Anne Lamott is one of my favorite authors.