Facilitating a retreat for a group of fifteen men, all in their late 30’s and 40’s, all high level executives and all high achievers, an interesting topic arose. One of the men asked for help dealing with his wife who was complaining he worked too much. He wanted help in getting her to understand that she was being unreasonable since the reason he was always working was to provide for his family.
He got sympathy from several but fortunately for him there were a couple of mentally balanced leaders in the group who challenged him. They pointed out that his family needed more from him than to take care of them – that this family needed him to BE with them. They told him quite frankly that his marriage was in trouble… and it wasn’t up to his wife to change.
That was 20 years ago. Technology has made this an even bigger challenge today. With the advances in technology, you can always be connected to work, anytime, anywhere – and because you can be available, you are expected to be. Many people are uncomfortable turning off their mobile device even at a social gathering. And how many of us take a vacation without checking email?
This problem is not confined to over-achievers. For those who are struggling in this economy, working a lot of hours to make ends meet, or to find a job, or to build a new business, the pressure to focus on work can be intense and preoccupy much waking time.
Nor is this a problem just for men. In fact, it can be an even bigger issue for women who juggle multiple jobs both in and out of the house.
What are the consequences? Being “always on” keeps your work in the front of your mind and prevents you from being fully engaged in the present moment. There’s a lot you’re missing out on because your attention is focused elsewhere. You might discover you have lost connection with those you care about most or never develop real connections in the first place.
It’s not enough to just take vacations. It is possible to become mentally balanced, even in a world that demands you to be always available, but you must change your habits.
8 Habits of Mentally Balanced Leaders
1. Change your mindset. Identify what you consider “work” and consider everything else “off.” “Off” can be when you’re with your family, at dinner with friends, or even taking a walk by yourself.During “off” time, don’t even think about work. Put your full attention on who you’re with and what you’re doing.
2. Set up a backup strategy. Sometimes, things will just pop up even when you’re not thinking about work. So what do you do with the important ideas that pop up while you’re “off”? Do NOT pull out your mobile device and make a quick call or send a quick text. It’s guaranteed to pull you away from who you are with. Try to trust that if it’s important enough, the thought will reoccur.As a backup, keep a piece of paper or card in your wallet. If you get a brilliant idea that you can’t afford to forget, jot down a few key words… and then put it away.
3. Schedule “off” time. Set and honor specific times that are dedicated to being with family or friends and, also being alone doing things you enjoy. Structure come more easily for some than others. If you’re one of the people who doesn’t like structure, it’s even more important for you to do this, so you can be intentional about creating the life you really want.
4. Just say, “no.” Let people know that you are changing your habits and are not going to respond to text and email or answer your phone for work related matters during personal time unless there is a true emergency. If they understand this ahead of time, most people will respect your boundaries. They will begin to schedule meetings during times you’re available, and you will discover that many so-called emergencies are not as urgent as they seem at first.
5. Pay attention to your breathing. Focusing on your breathing brings your attention away from your thoughts and back to what is immediately present. During “off time,” occasionally notice how you’re breathing. If your breath is rapid and located high in your chest, take a deep breath and exhale slowly. Spend a moment focused on your breathing until you are breathing slowly and from a deeper place, which is how we breathe when we are relaxed.
6. Hang your work on a tree. Here’s a way to mentally separate from work: on your way home from work, as you near your home, locate a tree or something you could hang a bag on. Imagine putting your work in a bag and hanging it in the tree. This idea came from one of the men in the YPO Forum retreat who said he did that every night.
7. Stop multi-tasking. Many people view it as an admirable skill. They think they get more accomplished. But studies have shown that you actually accomplish less and do it less well. The illusion of productivity comes at the expense of performance effectiveness. The less you multi-task, the less you’ll be tempted to slip a little work in.
8. Be clear about your priorities. Create a clear vision for what you truly desire and what’s most important to you that explains where you’re going and what you value most. It’s tempting to say “yes” to every request, but it comes at a cost. It will help you know when to say “yes” and when to say “no” if you know what your priorities are.
The bottom line is: not only is life more enjoyable and rewarding when we are in balance, but we are also healthier. Give it a try – hang up your work in a tree on your way home tonight. Guaranteed it will be there waiting for you in the morning.
Great post! I think in the last paragraph there is even an added bonus from following this wise counsel Jesse. Not only would we all be healthier. We’re much more likely to do better work too.
Great point, Jake! It’s a both/and situation – when we are mentally balanced, we do better work- which is more rewarding for ourselves AND for our organizations – which reminds me that this is an issue for organizations, not just individuals. Many companies like Google and others realize this and have initiated programs in mindfulness and provide other opportunities for regular breaks.
Thank you! For sharing such post. Now as a student I could prioritize and implement all these 8 to be a efficient leader.
So glad to hear it was helpful!
I have always come out educated reading your posts. Thank you for sharing this with us. I needed this as I see myself a very successful man in making. May God bless you as you continue to impart and impact lives-and I am one of them. Much love to you and your family Jesse
Best wishes for your continued success, Chance.
Reading the latest Parker Palmer book: On the Brink of Everything: Grace, Gravity and Getting Old. Of the many wise things Parker says is that the most valuable word is “ENOUGH!” When do we say “enough”. We need no more gadgets and gizmos. We need no more time away from our should and our soulmates. Enough.
Great post, as always.
A great mantra – “enough” – simple and powerful. Many thanks for sharing your insights, Eileen!
For us retired people, I’m learning I have to prioritize my passions – balance them. By that I mean Considering and implementing ideas such as in this excellent post!!! AND I know I have to routinely self-assess how these efforts are going and what changes I need to make to have them go better!!!
Love the tree notion. I am starting to win the “keep my iPhone in my pocket at certain times” battle – but it’s not been easy in any way!!!
So glad you found this helpful, John. Retirement is a “new job” and as you point out, it’s so important to get clear about your priorities so you can choose what you want to do and not just get pulled into things. I think we all need to find ways to put our iPhones “in the tree.”