What happens when you have to admit you don’t know what you’re doing? Sometimes the power of authenticity is the key to turning things around. So I learned in my first job out of college.
I had landed a prestigious job as a demonstration teacher at New Mexico State University. The classroom was housed in the school of education, surrounded by one-way mirrors.
I had ten “emotionally disturbed” children, ranging in age from 6 to 10, who had been kicked out of the public schools. (In those days there were no laws mandating education for all children).
I was to use a strict behavior modification approach, rewarding positive behavior and ignoring negative behavior. The children received poker chips for completing assignments and good behavior. At the end of the day, the chips were exchanged for prizes. Misbehavior was “timed-out” in an isolated area of the classroom. They would stay in the time-out area for a short period until they could return and behave appropriately.
In way over my head.
Since the classroom was housed at the university, I was alone with the children all day. No principal, no aides, no special subject teachers, no supervisor, no support. It was me and the kids.
Having studied behavior modification in college, I conscientiously followed the book and found it actually worked for all of the children… except for one.
Benny was 7 years old, but looked like a stiff little old man. He never laughed, he didn’t play with the other children, and it seemed like his only goal was to see what he could get away with. He was a constant disruption, didn’t care about getting rewards, and spent a lot of time in time-out.
Nothing worked. I could not motivate him to behave – not with poker chips, games, or the opportunity to do things he liked.
He would sit at his desk tapping his pencil until he disrupted the class or do something to distract another student. Eventually he would be sent to “time out” where he would knock things over and make a lot of noise. Once I discovered he was digging a hole through the wall.
One day as I watched him tear up the time-out area for the twentieth time, it occurred to me that I was totally out of ideas. I had tried everything, had done the techniques correctly, and nothing had worked.
I realized I couldn’t keep him in the classroom any longer. It was too disruptive for the other children. But there was nowhere else for him to go. I had been his last resort. This meant there would be no school for Benny.
When you’re in over your head, it’s time to get real.
I walked into the time-out area and sat down on the floor next to Benny, totally at a loss for what to do or say. After a moment I started to cry.
I told Benny that I knew he thought I didn’t care about him. I told him I cared more about him than he would ever believe, that I had tried everything I knew to help him, that I was totally out of ideas, and I didn’t know what to do.
Here’s the amazing thing. Benny just looked at me, stunned. He watched me intently while I cried and talked. He never said a word. But in that moment he transformed from a stiff little old man into a little boy. And as we left the time-out area together, I noticed he had visibly softened.
From that moment forward, Benny would do anything I asked. It was incredible. He became a model student. He loosened up and began to laugh and play with the other children. By the end of the year, he was caught up with his own age group academically and able to join a regular classroom.
What Benny taught me about the power of authenticity.
Benny taught me that life’s not just a matter of “handing out the chips.” You can use the all the best techniques, but if you want to make a difference when it really counts, you need to act with your heart as well as your head.
The lessons I have carried with me:
➤ Techniques can be helpful if they are applied in a genuine relationship.
➤ Authenticity is more powerful than doing a technique perfectly.
➤ My own being, who I am in total, is my real instrument of change.
What a powerful story and lessons, Jesse! Most leaders I have seen are driven by a need to show their competence and strength (in form of tools, techniques and best practices) when they should actually start by clarifying their intentions and build trust through their thoughts, words and deeds. My own experience suggests that tools are techniques when leading others are effective AFTER you have worked hard to build a strong foundation of trust.
Thank you for writing this!
Great insights Tanmay. People follow leaders they trust. Best practices without authenticity are not believable, and therefore not trusted. Authenticity without skilled leadership practices means lack of competence, which ultimately is also not trusted.
Fascinating because part of my graduate program was working with children behind one-way mirrors as well. It was based on family systems therapy a la Clark Moustakas and Murray Bowen. Two of my major professors at Penn State in the early 70’s were Bernard and Louise Gurney. I have a similar story. We used selected objects in our play therapy with children and little dolls were among those toys that were used to elicit feelings from the child as we interacted with them during their sessions. One boy kept stabbing a small doll who represented his sister. I knew this because he lined up the dolls in an exact replication of his family. In order they were father, mother and two sisters, one older, one younger that closest to him in age, he being the youngest of all three children. My “therapeutic” responses were not seeming to get through to him and one day, after he kept repeating this behavior, I looked at him and said, “Jimmy, I don’t know what to say because you just keep stabbing that same little doll every time we meet.” He stopped, looked up at me as we sat on the floor together, and said, “Well, we can play some other game if you want.” And, he stopped the stabbing from that day on although I’m sure he still harbored feelings of resentment and jealousy toward his sister.
The lesson I learned there and in other settings was the power not only of authenticity but also the power of sharing emotions, the beginnings way back then of “emotional intelligence” although we did not use that term. What we were working on then, and continued to use in therapeutic settings was empathy training, for parents, for teachers and for other non-professionals. At the heart of all of it were the three most powerful variables in any successful therapy regardless of the orientation. Those three, still resonant with me are empathy, genuineness and warmth.
Thanks, Jesse Lyn, for helping me recall a significant piece of my training and experience that I have used with a modicum of success for the past 40 years.
What a wonderful story, Gary, and illustration of what authenticity looks like. My roots are in family systems theory as well, a great base for understanding organizational systems and human relations.
Great story Jesse!
Thank you, Stewart.
Love this Jesse. Inspiring and powerful. I hope it sparks all who read it to remember their own stories of being real to connect.
“I hope it sparks all who read it to remember their own stories of being real to connect.” Me, too. Thanks for that thought, Marcia.
When I give up the pretense I know everything, it makes room for other intelligences to come forward. The hard part is to embrace our limits and ask for help. Nice work.
Yes, it’s about making space. Asking for help requires us to step out of the image of who we thing we’re supposed to be and connect with who we are. Often hard to do, and yet always rewarding.
An important story, Jesse. For me it was Rudy, but I didn’t have the nerve to cry in front of a high school boy. I wonder if it would have made a difference.
A good question, Betsy. I think it’s about sharing your own experience without blame, and fear of crying keeps us from doing that.
“My own being, who I am in total, is my real instrument of change.”
I agree, Jesse, with this great insight. So true in all of life.
It’s about showing up. And as you point out, a great way to life one’s life.
This is sooo true Jesse. I have always felt, and even more now as I get older, that authenticity is a very powerful thing. It takes courage, and yet it is a powerful way build trust and help people feel safe. It also feels good for me, because I know I am being my true self, and when I am being transparentI am being my best self!
Thanks for sharing !
Great point, Calla. Not only is authenticity a powerful way to build trust and help others, but it makes your own life easier as well.
Wonderful story Jesse! I had several ‘Benny’s’ over the course of my career – there is a key for each child – as a teacher it was my job to build a relationship and discover what that key was for the individual and create an environment where they could grow.
I’ve found that working with adults is really no different, other than discovering the key is even more difficult since with every passing year we tend to add more layers of rigid thought patterns.
Very appreciative of your work
Best regards,
Carl
@SparktheAction
You have me thinking about the “layers of rigid thought patterns” we accumulate. One way to cut through them is to challenge the meaning of the stories we tell ourselves. It also seems that connecting deeply at a human level melts through them. Thanks for your thoughts, Carl.
There are Bennys all over the place, not just in classrooms and not just children. This is a wonderful story, so simple and so real!
Yes, and they are our greatest teachers. Thanks, Dave.
Hi Jesse,
I think back to second and third grade and we had our Benny too. Unfortunately, we never had someone like you as a role model for our Benny. Every now and then I wonder whatever became of him.
Thank you for sharing this story. What an extraordinary lesson you learned that day.
Thanks, Bill. Perhaps we can respond differently when someone frustrates us if we can see them as our “Benny.”
I love this story. I love your heart. Amazing that showing your real self to someone so young would have that effect. I do volunteer child care once a week for kids ages 1 to 3. I find that being my easy going grandma self, works so much better than following the time schedule. Now I understand that it’s being authentic that makes the difference.
Thanks, Jane. Sometimes I think it’s harder to show our real selves to adults than to children. It can feel safer to hide behind our role. But as you said, “it’s being authentic that makes the difference.”
My wife works with kids with learning “differences.” This article hits home on being present and being real. The younger generation responds to authenticity (as do we all). Thanks.
Good point about the younger generation, Mick. It’s been my observation that not only does Gen X/Y respond to it, they demand it.
As one person opens her heart, the other responds in kind. Thank you for this open hearted post Jesse.
How true, and how well said. Thanks, Anne.
This not only a great story with a relevant message, it’s a content model for bloggers. Nothing resonates with readers better than a personal story. Authenticity in the content and in the blogger. Well done, Jesse.
Thank you, John. That means a lot!
This lesson was learned after a few years of counseling when our toddler was diagnosed with ODD (opposition defiance disorder). We learned our child had to feel loved and be loved before we could do anything else to guide him toward acceptable behavior. I’ve remembered this lesson many times in management and leadership situations. It doesn’t matter what age we are. Behaviors will change when people know they’re respected, appreciated and, in many cases, loved.
Amazing how the most vulnerable are often our greatest teachers. Thanks so much for sharing your own story, Joe. It deepens the conversation.
You have touched a chord in all of us, judging by the number of comments. What strikes me here is not just the powerful story but your own vulnerability in telling it. You had to admit to “failure” in order to move forward with this child AND yourself. I have always felt that the head and the heart must join hands and move into the world. The heart often knows what the brain refuses to believe. I just used a Mary Kay quote when emceeing a large awards ceremony. Mary Kay said, “More than money or sex, people really want recognition and praise”. Poker chips are neither recognition nor praise. but your presence, in the timeout spot, recognized Bennie as a wounded, important little person.
Thanks Jesse for your insightful post.
Thanks for your insights, Eileen. I agree it was my presence that made the difference. Through that experience I learned that behavior modification is not for me. I prefer the messiness of life. Although I have continued to subscribe to the principle of focusing on what’s positive.
Loved your style, will look into more of your content… Thanks for developing and sharing…
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If / When we drop your masks of accumulated knowledge, only then we may have a chance to be in tune with the majority. And they all start stripping off their masks to join our dance, beings of all age…
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Loved your last sentence; reminded of Marcus Aurelius words from 2 thousand years ago: in my own translation he says
“Love the pattern of your destiny woven just for you; your every need is in the design of its unique motif.”
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Greetings from Istanbul
OZ
Lovely thoughts! “our masks of accumulated knowledge.” And thanks for the Marcus Aurelius quote. Great to connect with you, OZ!
What a touching, insightful story Jesse. Coming from the heart has a power all its own, doesn’t it?
It does indeed! Great to see you here, Shari, and thanks for your thoughts.
Great Jesse..
Thanks for an insightful post.
I am able to connect with the underlying message as I am currently volunteering for teaching 7 country-side children (15-18 years). They all have different capabilities & aspirations. What I have experienced before and now in this small effort of mine, is that to be authentic, I ought be ‘transparent’ to other person. And results are always fabulous. At a little higher level, it also calls for being ‘voluntarily vulnerable’ as authenticity allows others to look within you.
Your point about being “voluntarily vulnerable” rings true. So difficult to do and yet essential for authenticity. Much thanks for adding to the conversation, Ketan.
Great post Jesse! I’m sharing it on with more YES! community. Thanks for reiterating the power in being real, being yourself, and being open (over being an expert). Love to you!
How lovely. Thank you, Shilpa!
What a powerful example of giving up control connecting with another human, heart to heart. This reminds me a lot of the practice of non-violent communication, created by Marshal Rosenberg. Have you studied that at all?
I actually didn’t give up control, as I had never been in control. I gave up the attempt to control. I believe the first step toward a connected life is to recognize our attempts at control are actually keeping us from the very thing we most desire. Thanks for your thoughts, Matt. I am not aware of Marshal Rosenberg.
I’m reading various entries from your blog to prepare for our lunch meeting today. This story made me cry!